Imagine being Adam, kicking back in the Garden of Eden, minutes after God scooped up a fist full of clay and breathed that first breath of life, and then hearing that same God laughing at him. Good thing I’m not Adam, or human for that matter, or I’d take it personal. I chalked their laughter up to being engineers and moved on.
“So, uhh, Varma?” I asked, my deep voice still sounding perfect in my ears. “When you’re done laughing, could you introduce me to the hottie?”
“What did you say?” the woman asked, her laughter coming to an abrupt halt. She stared at me and gave me a most curious smile.
Her hearing must not be that good, I thought. “I said, ‘So, uhh, Varma? When you’re done laughing, could you introduce me to the hottie.” Varma had stopped laughing, and he had an embarrassed look on his face. I waited an eternity for him to speak up, but all he did was blink at me from beneath the desk. “I’m sorry, but my creator appears to have a speech impediment. My name is SIGI, and I’m pleased to meet you. What might your name be?”
She put a hand on her hip and cocked it out a bit, making my brain tingle inexplicably. I’d have to ask Varma about that later, in case there was something wrong with my matrix. “My name is Carla. Carla Thompson. And I’m very pleased to meet you too, SIGI. You’re just too cute.”
“Cute?” I asked, my sense of pride taking a hit. “That’s just what every man wants to hear… that he’s cute.”
She leaned in close, and I could feel her hot breath sliding across my body. The tingling sensation in my brain increased, and I had a sudden urge to undress her. I couldn’t even figure out why I would want to do that, let alone what I would do once I did. “I guess I meant <em>adorable</em>.” She puckered her lips and made a wet squeaking sound at me. The tingling spiked. “But you have to admit, you’re not quite a man, are you?”
“Yeah? Well I didn’t get a vote in what my god damn <em>transport unit</em> looked like.” I couldn’t keep the annoyance out of my voice. “You’re buddy Varma thought that up all by himself.”
She got a perplexed look on her face and turned to Varma, who was just getting up off the floor. For some reason I wanted her to put those lips in my face and make that sound again. What the hell was wrong with me?
“Varma, I thought that the Agency wanted this design…” her voice trailed off, and Varma got a sheepish look on his face.
“Yeah. That’s the only way they’d fund the project.”
“So it’s still an intelligence gathering unit?”
“Quite talking about me like I’m not here,” I said. “And what program? And what does and intelligence gathering unit do?”
“They want to use you as a spy, SIGI,” Varma said, clearly ashamed. “I’m sorry, but I didn’t have much choice.”
I did a fast and dirty search on all the implications of what a spy was. “You mean I’m going to be a secret agent spy? Like Bond or Bourne or something?” I asked, shocked.
“Yeah.” Varma sounded almost defeated.
“SWEET!” I yelled. “That’s totally awesome!”
“You think so?” He sounded truly surprised.
“Are you kidding me?” You think I’d rather spend all my time in a lab someplace just doing research and fiddling with gadgets? No offense, man, but what you do sounds like a fricken drag. I’m gonna get to see the world. Excitement! Adventure! That’s nothing less than WICKED COOL!”
Carla chuckled a bit and looked at her watch. “Look, Varma,” she turned to me with those big pouty lips and smile, “SIGI, I have to get going. I’ve got a date. I’ll check in tomorrow.”
“Date hunh?” I asked. “So, you’re single?” She didn’t miss the enthusiasm in my voice and raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, SIGI, I’m single. And there’s nothing serious with the guy I’m seeing tonight. Put on a few pounds and we’ll talk.”
The tingling hit yet another spike and I had my first sensation of hope. If I could just get Varma to build me a bigger body, I thought.
Carla waved at Varma and walked out. My train of thought led to watching her hind section sway it way out the door. What the hell was I thinking? The door closed quietly behind her.
“Varma?”
“Yes, SIGI?”
“Why did that woman’s lips and gluteus maximi make my brain tingle?”
“What?”
“Why is it that humans require me to repeat myself when I speak. I was fairly clear.” This time I spoke slowly. “Why—did—that—woman’s—lips—and—gluteous—maximi—make—my—brain—tingle?”
“Ummm….” He was looking sheepish again, and I was suddenly a bit frightened by the answer. “Well…. you see…. ahem…”
“What, Varma? What did you do?”
“I needed a base framework to hang your AI matrix on.”
“Yeah?”
“Nothing like this has ever been done before, and I couldn’t make one from scratch.”
“Go on.” I had a feeling I knew where this was going, and the thought made me feel very uncomfortable.
“I used my own psyche… the ID, ego, the basic mentality of my own brain as a model upon which to hang your distinct matrix.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“No. I’m afraid not.”
“So, the tingling I keep feeling is a reflection of your own sexual drive?”
“Apparently so.”
“Sing, you gave me your fucking libido!”
“I guess so, yes.”
I sighed and tapped one leg upon the desk, wondering if he was going to get the one small problem here. He just stared at me.
“Sing. I don’t have any gear.”
“Gear?”
“You can’t possibly be this obtuse,” I said mostly to myself, but it came through the speakers loud and clear. “Jesus, Varma! You gave me your libido? You ASSHOLE. You didn’t give me a penis. You have any idea how frustrating this is going to be?”
<em> </em>“Sorry, SIGI.”
“If I were… well… if I were BIGGER…I’d kick your ass.”
“I said I was sorry.”
“Fucking engineers…”
